i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
