Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
