His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Is it penis luge time yet?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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