i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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