Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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