I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
