you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
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I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
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Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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