remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
