Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
