you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
