I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
