There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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