I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
