Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
