I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
