is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
