ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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