my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
