if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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