Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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