And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
