Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
