We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
