my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
