So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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