EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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