tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
