a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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