Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
