Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
