Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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