I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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