I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
