She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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