Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
