I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
