i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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