did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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