Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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