Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
