She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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