as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
