The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
