That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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