I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
