my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
