I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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