I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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