god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
