She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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