Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
