why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
