i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
