I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
