took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This is the high leading the old right now
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
did you just send me my own nude
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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