Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
