hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
