yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
