As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
